On The Moon: Sulli's Swan Song

Traveling through the rigors of introspection has the potential of leading us to a place where we can feel comfortable, freeing us from the shackles of society that aim to keep us “in line.” And it is through that proverbial prison escape that there’s a certain solemnity almost survivor’s guilt to self-discovery that is be very isolating and exhaustive. The reminders of a collective that is intolerant to so much of what we’ve discovered about ourselves, will ultimately change us, jade us, through no fault of our own. Taking bits and pieces of us throughout the journey of life.

I’m not going to pretend like I knew her, as is the case with any artists I discuss, I can only go so far and interpret what I can, not just with their art but with who they are as a person. It’s mostly if not all parasocial conjecture. What is not hypothetical is that Sulli was special. Reservation was not in her repertoire. While so much of Korean idol life seems to be shown through a translucent lens of safety, lest we truly discover that the people we look up to are morally flawed, complex, beautiful human beings when put into focus. Sulli rejected this notion of traditionalism. Innocuous expressions of comfort, confidence, freedom ultimately led to hostility and vitriol from the heathens that inhabit forums in Korea. That’s what made her an enemy in the court of public opinion. Her “crime” was being authentically and unapologetically herself in every way. Her “punishment” was of the most severe and tragic nature.

The album cover reinforcing the pervading theme of duality

The former f(x) member had largely shifted her career to acting since departing from the massively popular SM group but after multiple hiatuses came back to the music industry in a smaller capacity mostly being a featuring artist in others’ works. That is until June of 2019, when she promoted and released the three-song single album “Goblin.”

It is the song “On The Moon” that I find myself coming back to most consistently, not just because of it’s quality as a work of art, but it’s lyrical content and personal nature just a few short months before her passing, a victim of suicide at the age of 25.

Instrumentation and compositionally, “On The Moon” is a gentle, ethereal mix of elation and exhaustion. It’s restrained synth chords, dynamically light and legato guitar riff and distant sounding electronic accents instill a feeling of tranquility, dreamy weariness and fatigue, further enforcing the theme of duality not only found in this track but in the others as well. It packs a comprehensively emotional punch with subtlety and focus that makes it all the more impactful for being restrained and toned down. It feels just as stripped down and real as Sulli tried to be as a person. And because of that it is still able to maintain a quiet confidence.

The ideas that Sulli is trying to convey are not clear-cut, striving to be as deeply layered and involved as it’s production. It’s poetic aspirations punctuated with heart-wrenching revelations when interpreting exactly what it is I believe she is truly saying. Finding a beautiful balance between fantastical whimsy and grounded honesty it contextualizes and mirrors the struggle of her own life, to be lost in positive self-actualization and discover contrasted against the grim reality of her battered and bruised psyche that continued to pick up scars no matter what she did or how she did it. The conflicting traits one can hold all on their own and the seemingly endless ways a person can be looked down upon for, the acceptance starts to set in; the belief that she can no longer be happy unless she is free of body and mind, free from the suffering that she feels has no control over. “What a day” she’s had, there won’t be many left, getting the most out of living on earth as long as she has energy for.

The hypocrisy in which people eulogize about Sulli and her defiance of the status quo is frustrating to say the least. She finally received the admiration en masse that she ironically never received when she was still alive. My appreciation for Sulli will remain strong just as she did for as long as she could. Self-love is a scary concept to embrace. Even more scary for a public figure ripe for criticisms, no matter how unjustified or baseless. It’s her strength to be courageous, to live on her own terms, that impacts me and continues to inspire many others. I’d like to think she would appreciate that above all else.